The following content is a speech from Chinese guy’s first stand-up show. Copyright information is at the end of the article. It’s funny and I mostly agree what he talk about Chinese and China.

Hello, everyone, my name is Jingbo. This is my very first time to do stand-up show here…

As you can see, I’m a tiny, short Chinese boy. Technically, I’m a typical Chinese, especially in height. The dutch girl Majolaine, she is my good friend, every time she did the goodbye kiss, she had to bend down, like this. She is like my kindergarden teacher.

Last time, I just got off from the train, wearing a T-shirt with a Chinese map on it. If you see the T-shirt, you’ll know where I’m from. Two guys across the railway yelling at me, Hey, Chinese, Kongfu Star. Unfortunately, I’m not a Kongfu master, like Bruce Lee. Otherwise I prefer dressed up like Batman, or Kick Ass, going out to fight against crime everynight. hiha hiha,or rob a bank, or performing martial art here other than talking nonsense here,right? Sorrry for letting you down.

Two weeks ago, my favarate Italian performer Francesco told us Italien love to invent new stuff. You invented pasta, pizza, Mafia, Pope, and Berlusconiis . By the way, Berlusconiis quite famous and popular in China. Well, Chinese are not just good at copying, but also inventing and creating. We invented compass, paper making, ancient printing and gunpowder at least 1000 year ago, let these advanced techlonogy spread in Arab and Europe, ignored any type of intellectual property declaration and protection. This kind of generosity was a big big mistake. 800 years later the British, French, Dutch, Portuguese,German,all Europeans armies flooded to China, equipped with powerful guns and canons, beat us badly.

And Chinese eat a lot of strange food, sometimes horrible. Like snake, dog, scorpion or monkey’s brain. I never tried that, Monkey’s Brain, too bloody for me. I mean how can u can bear an alive monkey screeam while u r eating his brain. Too horrible, I prefer little babies’s brain. Yummy.

I guess you already notice this. Usually Chinese can’t pronouce the letter”R”in Italien and Spanish. I’m even worse, I cannot even tell the difference from Night and Light in English, sound the same to you? the N and L. So if I notice a hot girl sitting in the corner, I approached her: Scusi, Signorina, Could you share the light/night with me? ? Maybe she’ll stare at me, reply with fuck off, you idiot.

Now let’s move to the topic of marriage. Until 30 years ago, arranged marriage were still popular in China. That means, people won’t kiss each other or touch each other’s hands until they hold a wedding. So inhuman! Well, after 30 years, we make a big progress. You can see young generation do french kiss on the street, like nobody is watching, just like Rome or Paris. Premarital sex is not totally unacceptable. In big cities one night stand is kind of common. However, a lot of female stick to the old conception that once you sleep with her, you have to take some responsibility, under some circumstances ,you have to be responsible for all the rest of her life. So horrble, right? One of my best Chinese friend Allen told me before, Chinese don’t understand Westerners, they query: you are so irresponsible for others, how can you sleep with a random girl before marrige. And the Europeans are confused, how can a Chinese marry a girl before have sex with her? So irresponsible for yourself.

The majority of Chinese don’t have any religious beliefs. However, many Chinese are kind of superstitous, they will go for a fortune teller whenever they feel it’s necessary. You dreamed about your house catching fire, congratulation! you are going to be a millionaire. You should marry on January 15th, that’s a lucky day on lunar calendar. You shouldn’T go west the next year or you will be cheated or robbed. Why? Cause you were born at 5 am, June 29, 1986, you lack metal when you were born, that’s destiny. We young generation don’t give a fuck about those rubbish, but our parents, grandparents, they are obsessed in these stuff. You want to buy a car, go to the fortune teller, you want build your house, go to the fortune teller, you want get married, go to the fortune teller. A hundreds year ago, even you want to have sex on a certain day, you should check the lunar calendar to find the best time and the best place. According to traditional Chinese medical theory, on the nights when moon is the roundest you have intercourse with your wife. Then there is a higer chance that she will bear a girl, or a boy, I’m not sure. But I’m pretty sure the baby won’t be a young Wolfman or Vampire, that’s European story, not Chinese.

That’s almost the end of my story. Anyway, you can call me Jingbo, and I work for the Chinese government. They send me to Italy, so I can learn how Modern Democracy fails, and leads a Developed Capitalist County to chaos. But don’t worry,I’m not a follower of Karl Marx or Das Capital. As you know, Karl Marx is jewish. And I don’t have the intention to turn Italy to a Socialist County.

（If you are intersted about China, or you will go to China as a tourist, maybe I can introduce some nice places you should pay a visit. And be sure to wear a breathing mask, before you go to Beijing, you don’t want to choke and die there）

作者：知乎用户
链接：https://www.zhihu.com/question/20309957/answer/21446753
来源：知乎
著作权归作者所有。商业转载请联系作者获得授权，非商业转载请注明出处。